In honour of her, I Keyed "mom" into the search box of my Toumai Blog, the first post brought up was my April 16, 20100 post entitled, Orwell and the Polish President , note this excerpt from the post:
Despite the difficulties laced with my mom's 80 years, she is remarkably vibrant and alive-- what a fighter she is and I am so proud to have her as my mom.
Since she really needed to get out, we would take her to a local Bistro for supper and at one point in the conversation she mentioned that my brother had been up just recently for a visit and that he had, just out of the blue, gotten up from his chair (they were in her room), took one of our old family pictures which she had displayed on her bureau and hung it from a hook on the wall where a large pewter star (one that I had designed and given to her this past christmas) like a pendulum, hung down from a stretch of fishing line.
My mom mentioned how the framed picture hung just perfectly, covering over the fishing line so that the star then lay directly beneath. She had begun to cry at that moment and then said to me, "May, what happened to me was not my fault, I lost my family and it wasn't my fault."
It was obvious that she needed to talk about this part of our family past, a past that we wish could have been different... one that we could only wish to go back and make better. I wish I could help that part of my mom-- her outer self, to understand fully the great undying sacrifice that she had made. Just so she wouldn't spend the last of her days with so much regret and sadness. Then again, I realize that is why I was brought there at this particular moment in time.
"Why mom?" my own eyes welling up with tears, "what happened to you back then (I was around 8 yrs old at the time) that would take you to the office of a Psychiatrist?"
"I was just a little depressed is all," my mom pushed on through her tears "May, I wanted to talk to someone who would help me cope, but the psychiatrist said it had to be more than just what I was telling them ... and then I was put on the drug valium."
My mom was telling me things that I had already come to know, understand and accept within myself, but to hear it coming from her, as sad as it was to hear, was precious to me... finally, after many long years, we were on the same page as far as understanding very clearly, at least this one pivotal thing
"May, it was the drugs," she peered deep into my soul, "the drugs made me feel so good, that's what brought me to leave you children... the family I loved... I would never have done that willingly... it's what I had to do in order to keep getting the valium."
I let her know that I understood and believed her wholeheartedly. I reminded my mother that I was there during those years and that though I was young, I fully remembered how powerful and strong and wonderful and loving she was as a person and as our mom. I had come to understand that buried deep and covered over by her valium addiction was the mom I knew...as well as her love for us. This was a period of time when she was made ill-- robbed from us. Drug addiction is like alcoholism-- a disease. We had lost our mom to over zealous psychiatrist's who had kept my mother drugged for 15 years. Psychiatrists who make their living off people determined to be mentally ill... and of course there are the drug companies.
I'm not going to go into details as to all the ins and outs of what transpired, but I will say this. I know that my mom's inner twin was "double speaking" during all of this, saying : this is part of what I/we (Tou) have had to do-- as part of the "star family", I had to play this part (my outer self being unaware for the most of it), it was all necessary in order to bring about an awakening -- of my outer self and of our outter world (Mai) ... there was no other way.
On the four hour drive return home, I would think about my mothers words and as well, about the recent tragic plane crash and I felt a compelling voice urging me-- May, you need to push... dig deeper.Mom and her inner twin has spoken... she is a STARR!!! Note the title of my recent July 21 post: