This is the email I sent to Gillman in response to his abuse towards me and his mother:
Gillman
I’ve had enough time to think about something your mother recentlly told me about the time she visited with you last winter: that you still claim that I “harmed” you as a parent. I hoped that the “heart to heart” of our last conversation where for the first time you apologized for your explosive behaviour and questioned your mothers handling, that it was an indication that you had finally put yourself on the right track. Obviously I was wrong.
My response to your mother was as usual, very frank, but this time I refrained from any sugar coating. I’m emailing this to you and your mother. For the most part, this was and remains my response to your mother:
By telling me what you said, your mother put this in my ball park ... and knowing me, she knows that I would not just sit there and take it.
Your mother and I became life partners a month before your 13th birthday, and so you were old enough to know the harm of your actions. Before coming together as life partners, your mother informed me that you had an issue that terrified her— your constant threat of suicide that began at 4 years of age, and had become so concerned with that she took you to a child psychologist, with the prognosis being that you are insecure with being given more power than what I child should be given, and that she needs to learn to set rules and boundaries. My take — the threats and outbursts continued because your mother could not bring herself to initiate the recommended changes, and so as a result, when Chris, Erin and I came into the picture, your personality disorder was ingrained. Don’t get me wrong Gillman, you're a good person in many ways, however the severity of abuse you doled out, greatly overshadowed!
The first time you threatened suicide after I had come into the picture, was when your mother informed you that we intended to become life partners and join our families. You ran off, and when she found you at the Government wharf, you threatened her with suicide if she didn’t retract. I didn’t witness that one, but I did witness several of your suicide threats .
Your mother at the time I arrived, was already beside herself as to what to do with your threats, after all, one of her older brothers had committed suicide. She was only 15 at the time of his suicide, an impressionable age to experience such a horror, and she still bears the scars that were continually ripped open every time you made the threat directly and indirectly with your explosive behaviour. You learned to relish in terrorizing/manipulating your mother... and you relish in knowing that by manipulating her, you can hurt me. This is called "power abuse", and it's been going on so long that it’s an addiction!
At first , I stayed out of the many times you came home from school in a fit of rage that you took out on your mother. Your mother was ineffective in addressing your misbehaviour and I finally reached a breaking point. You had been in the process of calling her “stupid” (over and over)— undeserving attacks, to which she finally gave in and responded by AGREEING with you — “you’re right” she said, I’m not as smart as you... and I can't help that”. That’s how she handled it!? Now I could have looked at the situation as hopeless and your mother as simply pathetic and bailed, but I love Cathy and because I knew of her brothers suicide, I could understand how she felt cornered and terrorized. So I jumped into the thick of it (never call the woman I love stupid... AND, relish in making her cower subserviently ). Your response to my involvement at the time — “this is nothing... I used to HIT my mother”. You tested the new situation, and my becoming involved made it perfectly clear that I would not tolerate your abuse. This didn’t bring about a good change, you just changed strategy to continue getting your fix. After that encounter with me, you stopped verbally abusing your mother in front of me, however she notified me that it continued whenever you did things “one on one” together . She also said that it had come to the point that she let you know that if it persisted, the “one on one’s” with you would stop. She did the right thing, and I was proud of her for finally coming to the plate. And she later informed me that your treatment of her became much better during your time out together . But it didn’t end there, you again just changed strategy.
Gillman
I’ve had enough time to think about something your mother recentlly told me about the time she visited with you last winter: that you still claim that I “harmed” you as a parent. I hoped that the “heart to heart” of our last conversation where for the first time you apologized for your explosive behaviour and questioned your mothers handling, that it was an indication that you had finally put yourself on the right track. Obviously I was wrong.
My response to your mother was as usual, very frank, but this time I refrained from any sugar coating. I’m emailing this to you and your mother. For the most part, this was and remains my response to your mother:
“Cathy, Gillman’s undermining of me to you gives him exactly what he needs— a fix... he’s addicted to power and the abuse of it. This is not new, but years in the development. His wanting to hurt me and repeated attempts to drive a wedge between us over the years stems from a pattern of abuse that existed long before I came into the picture when his anger was free to focus on you alone. Gilman turned his attacks on me because I finally dared to step in the middle in order to deflect his verbal attacks on you, and to provide the parenting he needed ... and obviously still needs. Sometimes, tough love becomes necessary, and this didn’t come easy for me. I received encouragement in “tough love” from Dr. Grey (child psychologist at Atlantic Child Guidance) in raising our strong willed children — Erin and Gill. Dr. Grey taught me that children can be manipulative, including calling the parent names (such as abuser) when parental rights are exercised in a tough love manner in an attempt to thwart the selfish/harmful wants of the child/adolescent. You and I were on the same page and consistent with Erin, and because of it, she respects us and our relationship today. You were too afraid to follow through in the same way with Gillman whenever he acted out— you bought him ever excuse and even to this day, you continue on the road of never setting him straight. What Gillman learned by this was “power abuse”— divide and conquer”.
By telling me what you said, your mother put this in my ball park ... and knowing me, she knows that I would not just sit there and take it.
Your mother and I became life partners a month before your 13th birthday, and so you were old enough to know the harm of your actions. Before coming together as life partners, your mother informed me that you had an issue that terrified her— your constant threat of suicide that began at 4 years of age, and had become so concerned with that she took you to a child psychologist, with the prognosis being that you are insecure with being given more power than what I child should be given, and that she needs to learn to set rules and boundaries. My take — the threats and outbursts continued because your mother could not bring herself to initiate the recommended changes, and so as a result, when Chris, Erin and I came into the picture, your personality disorder was ingrained. Don’t get me wrong Gillman, you're a good person in many ways, however the severity of abuse you doled out, greatly overshadowed!
The first time you threatened suicide after I had come into the picture, was when your mother informed you that we intended to become life partners and join our families. You ran off, and when she found you at the Government wharf, you threatened her with suicide if she didn’t retract. I didn’t witness that one, but I did witness several of your suicide threats .
Your mother at the time I arrived, was already beside herself as to what to do with your threats, after all, one of her older brothers had committed suicide. She was only 15 at the time of his suicide, an impressionable age to experience such a horror, and she still bears the scars that were continually ripped open every time you made the threat directly and indirectly with your explosive behaviour. You learned to relish in terrorizing/manipulating your mother... and you relish in knowing that by manipulating her, you can hurt me. This is called "power abuse", and it's been going on so long that it’s an addiction!
At first , I stayed out of the many times you came home from school in a fit of rage that you took out on your mother. Your mother was ineffective in addressing your misbehaviour and I finally reached a breaking point. You had been in the process of calling her “stupid” (over and over)— undeserving attacks, to which she finally gave in and responded by AGREEING with you — “you’re right” she said, I’m not as smart as you... and I can't help that”. That’s how she handled it!? Now I could have looked at the situation as hopeless and your mother as simply pathetic and bailed, but I love Cathy and because I knew of her brothers suicide, I could understand how she felt cornered and terrorized. So I jumped into the thick of it (never call the woman I love stupid... AND, relish in making her cower subserviently ). Your response to my involvement at the time — “this is nothing... I used to HIT my mother”. You tested the new situation, and my becoming involved made it perfectly clear that I would not tolerate your abuse. This didn’t bring about a good change, you just changed strategy to continue getting your fix. After that encounter with me, you stopped verbally abusing your mother in front of me, however she notified me that it continued whenever you did things “one on one” together . She also said that it had come to the point that she let you know that if it persisted, the “one on one’s” with you would stop. She did the right thing, and I was proud of her for finally coming to the plate. And she later informed me that your treatment of her became much better during your time out together . But it didn’t end there, you again just changed strategy.
You suicide threats were mostly in front of your mother and I, but there were times that Chris and Erin had the misfortune of witnessing. I’ll talk about one scenario: the time that your mom and I splurged by bringing you kids to the Craft Shows out west so you could have the experience and we could have a family vacation afterward. One day of the vacation, we drove up a mountain, making a stop at one of the scenic look offs. This look off was a bit dangerous— a sheer cliff on the other side of a stone wall that was about 3-4 feet high with a narrow cement ledge at the top. You proceeded to jump on top and precariously walk along the ledge ... if you would have fallen over the cliff side, it would be certain death!! Very calmly, butt terrified we begged for you to get down, and you responded by taking more risks — twirling, jumping and running on the ledge!! At this point I spoke up angrily, demanding that if you didn’t get down immediately, that we would leave without you. We all got in the vehicle (including your mother) , and when you didn’t join us but proceeded with your antics, we drove off, with plans to stop at the next Look Off and wait . The next look-off was a bit further than what we hoped, but you arrived shortly... meaning that you had ran. It was good to reverse the role— putting fear in you for a change! Before the mountain incident, we had made plans to go to dinner afterwards and walk the city streets ... do some shopping— the five of us together. Given the incident, that plan changed— we went our separate ways, Chris, Erin and I, going in one direction for dinner and the city tour, with you with your mother going in another direction. I didn’t fight it, even though I had misgivings— that this had been your goal in the first place. That was just one of the episodes where you didn’t verbally threaten suicide, but under the circumstance of the many previous verbal threats, it was no doubt meant to be interpreted that way.
I had hoped that the last time you acted out when staying with us — at dinner with your mom, Barb, Christine and I, that things had been settled between us. At the dinner, I began a conversation that YOU interrupted by explosively jumping to your feet, ranting and raving, snapping the stem of the wine glass in your hand and cutting yourself in the process. I can even remember the topic that supposedly set you off— I brought up that I had been in contact with renown author Elain Morgan to discuss the theory she proposed in her book, The Aquatic Ape. I shared that I emailed Elain to provide her with evidence that she could add to her list of evidence in support of her theory: the vellum, a muscle behind the palate that can be flexed, plugging off the nostrils while swimming and diving. And that she had responded, thanking me, saying that she knew what I was talking about and that she was going to do further research to see if other animals have the ability. The topic wasn’t the issue, you were itching for a “power abuse fix”, and you got it. Your mother as usual, said “you two stop it!”... not “Gillman you’re out of line!”, and there in lie one of the bigger problems fueling your addiction.
Your power addiction became evident in other ways. For instance, there’s the time when you went around your high school with a pocket dictionary, taking it upon yourself to correct “bad” speech, until one of your victims called to tell us about your arrogance and humiliation of others. When your mother and I addressed the issue with you, all you were concerned with was who had ratted on you.
So, as to who harmed who, I will say this— I’m still reeling from the abuse you doled out ... and unfortunately continue to dole out.
After your outburst at the dinner party, and because Barb and Christine held Cathy back, I was able to finally converse with you. We had the most progressive conversation in all the years we have known each other, and so none of what I’m saying now is new to you, it’s just now in writing. You returned out West, and I decided to keep a low profile where you are concerned (not visiting or conversing with you, but always encouraging your mother to do so), so that you could focus on getting control of your anger and power-abuse addiction. I could see that my being around in your mothers presence is just too much temptation for you. I realize now that distancing myself doesn’t matter, you still malign me to your mother. So I will state this once and for all— under the very tough circumstances that existed before I came into the picture, I did the right thing when it came to parenting you and I’m still doing the right thing here and now in defending myself against your false accusations. If I had it my way, I and other women/mothers like me would be given a medal for having stepped up to the plate for having the courage to address abuse. I know that nothing is cut and dry with your threats, outburst and need to maligne me, and that many variables come into play— insecurity with your life, anger, fear that this (knowledge of your antics) could hurt your career if made public, etc. I know that you have other issues — you hold a big grudge against your father, but he has been there for you— he willingly paid your mother 3 times the child support I received from Chris and Erin’s dad, AND he flew you to NFLD every summer... and skii trips in the winter. He was/is hardly the dead-beat dad that relish in thinking of him as. Don’t you think it time to grow up and give up your pity party! And the one you hurt the most, is yourself... and Pam and Emma because they love you, and they should be aware of the truth so they can help/support you in the healing/recovery that could then actually take place. I really do hope the best for you, but mostly I want your mother to finally come to a place where she can heal/recover.
Truthfully, May
I had hoped that the last time you acted out when staying with us — at dinner with your mom, Barb, Christine and I, that things had been settled between us. At the dinner, I began a conversation that YOU interrupted by explosively jumping to your feet, ranting and raving, snapping the stem of the wine glass in your hand and cutting yourself in the process. I can even remember the topic that supposedly set you off— I brought up that I had been in contact with renown author Elain Morgan to discuss the theory she proposed in her book, The Aquatic Ape. I shared that I emailed Elain to provide her with evidence that she could add to her list of evidence in support of her theory: the vellum, a muscle behind the palate that can be flexed, plugging off the nostrils while swimming and diving. And that she had responded, thanking me, saying that she knew what I was talking about and that she was going to do further research to see if other animals have the ability. The topic wasn’t the issue, you were itching for a “power abuse fix”, and you got it. Your mother as usual, said “you two stop it!”... not “Gillman you’re out of line!”, and there in lie one of the bigger problems fueling your addiction.
Your power addiction became evident in other ways. For instance, there’s the time when you went around your high school with a pocket dictionary, taking it upon yourself to correct “bad” speech, until one of your victims called to tell us about your arrogance and humiliation of others. When your mother and I addressed the issue with you, all you were concerned with was who had ratted on you.
So, as to who harmed who, I will say this— I’m still reeling from the abuse you doled out ... and unfortunately continue to dole out.
After your outburst at the dinner party, and because Barb and Christine held Cathy back, I was able to finally converse with you. We had the most progressive conversation in all the years we have known each other, and so none of what I’m saying now is new to you, it’s just now in writing. You returned out West, and I decided to keep a low profile where you are concerned (not visiting or conversing with you, but always encouraging your mother to do so), so that you could focus on getting control of your anger and power-abuse addiction. I could see that my being around in your mothers presence is just too much temptation for you. I realize now that distancing myself doesn’t matter, you still malign me to your mother. So I will state this once and for all— under the very tough circumstances that existed before I came into the picture, I did the right thing when it came to parenting you and I’m still doing the right thing here and now in defending myself against your false accusations. If I had it my way, I and other women/mothers like me would be given a medal for having stepped up to the plate for having the courage to address abuse. I know that nothing is cut and dry with your threats, outburst and need to maligne me, and that many variables come into play— insecurity with your life, anger, fear that this (knowledge of your antics) could hurt your career if made public, etc. I know that you have other issues — you hold a big grudge against your father, but he has been there for you— he willingly paid your mother 3 times the child support I received from Chris and Erin’s dad, AND he flew you to NFLD every summer... and skii trips in the winter. He was/is hardly the dead-beat dad that relish in thinking of him as. Don’t you think it time to grow up and give up your pity party! And the one you hurt the most, is yourself... and Pam and Emma because they love you, and they should be aware of the truth so they can help/support you in the healing/recovery that could then actually take place. I really do hope the best for you, but mostly I want your mother to finally come to a place where she can heal/recover.
Truthfully, May
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